Part 1

Recently, I have become very focused on making changes to get me to the life I want. I have embraced self-acceptance over the years, but I do believe that self-acceptance and change can coexist. Instead of shaming myself like I used to, I practice curiosity about the thoughts and habits I have and why. One question I’ve been thinking about lately is: Why do I not dress my best despite wanting to be fashionable? Clearly, there is a disconnect between what I say I want and what I prioritize.

I took a fashion archetype test recently and this was my result.. further confirming my thoughts on my fear of self expression.

I am an artist, so why are clothing and appearance just utility to me? Why do I intentionally choose not to brush my hair before going to the grocery store? It is because I do not like attention. On the days I do my hair and makeup, I do end up feeling uncomfortable because of the interactions I am then subject to.

I am very friendly, and it was one of my New Year’s resolutions this year to give more compliments to strangers. So what is the basis of this aversion to garnering attention or receiving compliments myself?

I do believe that I need to dissect this correlation with how I want to dress and the safety dynamic that is holding me back.

I’ve had a wide range of experiences in my life so far. I’ve been homeschooled, gone to private school, and gone to public school. I’ve lived on the East Coast and on the West Coast. I’ve been poor, and I’ve had money. I’ve been deemed ugly and deemed attractive. My experience as a child was filled with nonstop social rejection, both when I was considered ugly and weird and later when I was considered pretty and cool. The ugly duckling experience is well rounded, at least because you are able to see people’s actions and intentions better. It is not great to be cast aside and unwanted, and it is also not great to be coveted and objectified. These experiences have affected me in a big way, and I realize now, at 31, that I am unable to move forward as the woman I want to be because I am too afraid of the social ramifications of being more confident or expressive. There is never any situation in life that will not have downsides, and those who argue that objectification is not a problem have not seen the dark side of what that really means.

There are too many situations to count in which I have felt unsafe or uncomfortable. I’ve had situations within the last year that were not great. My coworker told me I had “perky tits” and “accidentally” texted me, “I love you.” My manager did nothing, and I handled the situation myself. I had a client who was from Colombia give me a hug and then kiss my neck. I asked my boss and coworkers if that was a cultural thing, and we all wrote it off. He later sent me a love letter saying he was dreaming of me. I handled that myself, and then, three months later, he was fired for sending unsolicited dick pics to women. My uncle even had a crush on me that made both me and my fiancé very uncomfortable… always thought the creepy uncle trope was just a joke.

I have learned to be strong and speak my mind, and I have learned when to laugh things off. I think most women become hardened because there is no other choice. You become strong, and you learn to judge who is safe or unsafe, usually by learning it the hard way.

When I first moved to Washington, I met this spunky and fun girl in Spokane named Gigi, and she would always get herself into the most dangerous situations. We were good friends but she was messy.

She would take me to biker gang parties or she would fight with guys in the streets. I remember when I first met her she told me about when she was almost kidnapped and she jumped out of a moving car.

One night, I was with my friend Gigi and an old friend from my hometown. We went out to the bars for the night. We had fun, and she got pretty drunk and could not walk. A guy from the bar helped carry her to the car so I could take her home. I looked behind me, and they were just gone. I ran back and found him trying to rape her in a bush. I was the one who ran over, cussed him out, and saved her. The man I was with did nothing. There are so many situations I’ve been in that inevitably taught me to avoid getting too drunk because predators do search for women who are blacked out.

I eventually taught myself this mantra: “If you walk down a dark alley, don’t be surprised if you find danger.” I developed rules to protect myself and be “smart” in life. I think it was a coping mechanism because I wanted agency and safety, something I couldn’t count on others to ensure. But it makes perfect sense to why I am controlled in my fashion sense when I am so rigid internally. I wouldn’t say it’s fear of looking bad or trying new styles out- but maybe it’s that I’m scared of having gross interactions with men.

I think many people adopt a big hoodie or baggy clothing to avoid objectification or discussions on their body. I think Billie Eilish talks about her experience with that.

This style thought process all started because I was watching TikTok and found this account and she talks about the psychology of fashion. It made me realize that there’s a reason I wear only colors and no prints. I have great boobs but I never show them. I am comfortable in a small lane.

Her style archetype test link

https://a-list-test-quiz.netlify.app/

I think perceived safety is a huge part of how I live my life. It bleeds into my digital expression and my fashion sense. I’m just really noticing now.