I started writing about my relationship with beauty, and I became newly cognizant of my wounds and how I’ve coped. I spent years of my life hoping for approval, which was probably just looking for social safety. Beauty does not equate to happiness though. Now expressing my experiences of the two different extremes I feel more capable of explaining the pro’s and cons of isolation and assimilation.
Before I dive into my personal experience, I think it’s fair to discuss my opinions on culture and biology. Humanity evolved partly due to forming communities. Communities lead to safety in numbers, and fitting into a community is a form of survival. Wanting Society or community to accept us or value us is arguably ingrained in our biology. I do not fault anyone for fearing rejection or adapting themselves to their environment. We also have cultural standards that are entirely subjective based on the time. We assign physical attributes to internal traits, thus assigning discipline to weight, or skin color to wealth or status. The differing standards are stark depending on what era or part of the world you are observing. Maybe I find it fascinating because depending on when you are born, you can have an entirely different opinion of yourself. A different life, but look no different.
I had a hard childhood that contained lots of social isolation and rejection. I was homeschooled for years, I was raised Christian, and I grew up on a farm with two doomsday prepping parents. I had brief stints of socialization. I tried Christian summer camp and a private religious school for a year. Anytime there was any social interaction it was constant social rejection. Eventually my parents enrolled me in public school for high school, and my freshman year was a nightmare. Once I started my sophomore year though, my mom heard I was getting bullied and she invested in clothing and got me a nice haircut. It was one of those high school makeover plot lines, but it was my real life. I got rid of my braces and it was an immediate induction into the social fold. One boy liked me, and it was smoother sailing from there. Although I enjoyed the new validation and acceptance I received, that started a more calculated shift into seeking social approval, and because I had been outside looking in, being objectified felt liberating and empowering at the time.
When I was in my awkward phase I really saw a darker side of people and I do believe society as a whole subconsciously practices Social Darwinism. I wonder if the social pecking order is a biological congruence we share with the animal kingdom? I would feel essentially told “You don’t deserve to exist”. In essence, that is what social isolation is.
In my experience people (mostly men) view beauty as a prerequisite for baseline respect. Seeking to fit the Beauty standard can become about safety. It is also maybe a general stamp of approval that you deserve to carry on the genetic lineage.
As I grew up I got to experience both sides of the coin. I was taught from birth that Beauty is the most important thing. As I grew up and reached that “pinnacle” I dreamed of, I realized, it is just the first rung we must reach, there is a long list of other qualities you must have. I got so many contradictory messages from men, I was sexy and desirable one moment, and a disgusting whore the next. Men showed me that dating was inauthentic.
When I was 16 I remember hearing that a guy I had never met, told everyone they slept with me. I was never given a chance to deny it, no one believed me. I think that was one of my first experiences feeling violated as a girl and seeing widespread misogyny.
To many men, women are meant to be decorative accessories or tools to be used at their disposal. Men love to make rules on how women should conduct themselves, but they rarely make sense. I learned that being seen as slutty can get a woman killed but also confused because men sexualize women all the time.
Being desired felt empowering and fun for a bit.. until it didn’t.
I saw this image recently, and immediately felt it encompassed the shift I made after that. Sick of being objectified so I hid my femininity, my sexuality, and I wanted to become invisible.
This was my primary coping mechanism for years.
I only hid myself because I learned that once you hold societal value then people want to capitalize on it. I know the dark side and the predatory people. One of the biggest sales technique in marketing is “Sex sells” which really is “women’s bodies sell”. Whole economies growing off the backs of women’s beauty. But they really don’t like it when you monetize it.
When I was 18 I went out and got a tattoo with my cool older sister. When we were driving home she told me a story about when she was young, she had drank too much and passed out in a room. She woke up hearing her friends on the other side of the door auctioning off her unconscious body to the highest bidder. She jumped out of the window and ran away.
I’ve had to lock a bathroom door and sleep on the floor with toilet paper rolls as a pillow.
Every woman has a collection of stories like this. I don’t even want to list all the times men tried to take advantage of me, or the ones that succeeded.
I decided after feeling effectively traumatized enough, that approval by men is a pedestal built on sand and in worst cases it is the predominant tool used to control women. Although I think it may seem extreme, I do believe men use being desired as a tool to diminish or control us. You cannot “win” the game of beauty because there is always another beautiful woman that is different, and novelty turns attention from even the most gorgeous women. It’s like a hamster wheel to put us on.
I do believe that there is a sense of freedom in to not trying to be beautiful. If the choice is love or hatred, Id rather choose indifference. But in another way, my actions or inaction are not free because I am choosing to act differently because of others. Not seeking approval is one thing, and being afraid is another thing. Hide and don’t try to look attractive. Be a good girlfriend. A good girlfriend doesn’t attract attention.
After writing this, I realized I was afraid of men. So I am making small efforts to look “nicer” because I equate attention to danger. Last week I made a conscious decision to look nice and put on a dress, and I went to the mall.
I was walking by a group of mall salesmen. I think they were trying to sell sneaker cleaner, but they’re all vying to get attention from anyone. I kept my head down and avoided eye contact, but I hear this one guy yelling to me “you want a friend?”. Very strange and I just ignored it.
After walking past them I hear the one guy say loudly ” I guess you have enough friends… Bitch“
I heard it and there was no mistaking what he said. I took a second, and decided that a man that says that feels like he can get away with it- and he shouldn’t.
I confronted him and the 5-10 other guys with him. I left the mall and was seething in my car. It felt like a moment where I could’ve said “see? You were right! Go back to hiding yourself, Its safer to be invisible!!!”
But now that I see it, I wont let little pricks effect my choices in life. Depending on our most extreme moments, freedom can feel like different things. To a repressed Christian girl, sexuality can feel like freedom. To a sexually traumatized girl, invisibility can feel like freedom.
The world can be a dark place. How we cope with it, is natural, but I will always try to examine the beliefs I have so I do not think my wounds hold the answers. As we age, our bitterness often grows, which means time doesn’t always teach the right lessons.
For all those formative years of yo-yoing between those social extremes, In the last 10 years I have met so many good people with truly good hearts. I have a great husband that has healed a lot of those dark memories of my past. Having so many genuine connections now shows me what relationships and community can feel like.
I hope for all of us that we can break away from the ludicrous gender expectations that we have culturally decided. Femininity is not denying our humanity and bodily functions. The idea that we have to earn our existence is hierarchal delusion and psychological warfare. You are born and thus you deserve to be alive.
Beautiful or ugly- you hold the same place on this planet. No one actually gets decide its validity. Beauty is subjective and ever changing, but we exist no matter the cultural standards.
