I tend to become obsessed with a topic and mull it over for weeks, months or years. For me, culture and humanity as a whole have been a lifelong pursuit but the idea of beauty has been a hyper-focus since November of last year. I think most of us have questioned the complexity of the human psyche, and maybe I believed that if I could understand why we do the things we do, then I could figure out how to mitigate suffering and interpersonal struggles. 

Our entire framework of understanding is predicated on our culture and upbringing. We create layers of belief from what we experience and see from birth. We contend with social programming and biology, as they are always playing behind the scenes. Our humanity evolved partly due to forming communities. So fitting into a community is a form of survival. Wanting Society or community to accept us or value us is arguably ingrained in our biology. I do not fault anyone for fearing rejection or adapting themselves to their environment. I believe that we should not shame our humanity but by understanding it and raising awareness we can use our cognitive abilities to make more thoughtful choices. 

I had a hard childhood that contained lots of social isolation and rejection, but once I reached the age of 15 my mom heard I was getting bullied and she invested in clothing and got me a haircut. It was one of those high school makeover plot lines, but it was my real life. Got rid of my braces and it was an immediate induction into the social fold.  Although I enjoyed the new validation and acceptance I received, 15 years of being isolated or bullied, doesn’t just go away. Over the years, I’ve experienced and witnessed both sides of the spectrum of fitting a social standard. 

From my perspective thus far, I see it so often that I believe society as a whole subconsciously practices “Social Darwinism”. I wonder then, is a pecking order just a biological congruence we share with the animal kingdom? Children know how to do this, and yet it is not taught to us. 

We have generally unshackled ourselves from unfair monarchies and yet we shackle ourselves with new standards that elevate the few and diminish the masses. Is it a biological imperative, or a human mind grasping at superiority? Either way, I have decided to not participate in the pecking order process and to shine a light on its failings. 

In my experience people view beauty as a prerequisite for baseline respect. I understand why being different is usually followed by shame, social isolation, and loss of opportunity. Unfortunately, it is not just men that shame and isolate women for going against the grain of social ideals, it is also women who perpetuate that. I believe it is because we adapt to our environment and wish for protection and safety within our social circles, thus we learn the box we must stay in to remain protected. We can unfortunately become the tool of the oppression and practice what is referred to as “horizontal hostility” which is very prevalent when watching shows like “America’s Sweethearts: Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders” which shows the women in power becoming the biggest offenders of harsh beauty standards and emotional abuse. They demand untenable standards that require complete subjugation, all for the ultimate prize at the end. Which is very clearly a representation of exclusivity signaling or what is referred to as elite gatekeeping.

Beauty at the core can become about achieving a solid ground within our culture. It is also maybe a general stamp of approval that you deserve to carry on the genetic lineage. (Aka the social Darwinism aspect of community approval)

As a woman, we all know the rules of femininity and although it can be confusing, we all know one thing; Beauty is the most important thing. That programming starts immediately from birth, and beauty becomes the largest factor of career success and even long-term health. Now we must be beautiful for women and men. For our parents and our friends, not just prospective partners. 

Being seen as unattractive as a teen is linked to an earlier death for women, but not for men

The objective truth is that beauty matters to people, but the subjective part is what the culture at the time deems beautiful. In this current time, people have used pseudo-science to break down what beauty means (symmetry or proportions) but it still remains biased to the culture. That changes with geography and generations.  In 1837-1901 Victorian women were getting a basic surgery to create the impression of an elbow dimple and taking arsenic to achieve a pale complexion. 

I saw this image and immediately felt it encompassed the dichotomy I have personally felt. I feel both traumatized by the social isolation I’ve experienced, and the dark side of objectification and of fitting said standard. Once you hold “value” then people want to take from you or use that potential value. This can show up in many different forms.

Being a beautiful woman does not contain the golden ticket that is promised by society. In my opinion, at best- it is a pedestal built on sand and in worst cases it is the predominant tool used to control women. I don’t necessarily think men are conspiring to manipulate, but when triggered emotionally they use it as a tool to diminish or control us. I saw a comment online about a woman who was a singer and was complaining that she does not have the freedom to express her creativity, without her body becoming the bigger factor before her talent. It brought up a very valid point on the beauty conversation.

I personally started to really see Beauty as a tool you can use as a reward, or to weaponize your lack of value as a punishment. Maybe it allows the feeling of power to the subjective viewer. 

Benevolent sexism rewards “good behavior” while hostile sexism is the punishment lever for not conforming.

They threaten women by using age against us, to retain their superiority, which is meant to tactically pinpoint two separate placements of value: beauty and the ability to birth children. Many men believe that they do not also lose hair, lose testosterone, or have similar biological concerns with aging. But one thing is for sure- men don’t feel the pressure to be attractive as much as women do. Maybe the focus is on money, career, and status. 
 

This tactic of pitting women against each other has been very effective for a very long time, and modern feminism has thankfully changed the standard to “women supporting women” which is a great change. We have also done a great job in applying beauty standards to men, and the focus on height has sent men into a tailspin. Maybe for the first time, they are experiencing shallow standards that they have perpetuated but never felt personally. Unfortunately, I fear that it feels like “an eye- for- an- eye” solution, which may not reach the effective change that we need. But it is an effective form of revenge in its own way. 

The pedestal of being a beautiful woman is fickle and novelty always threatens its standing. I do believe that beyond safety, the pro’s of beauty only extend to a few benefits in career and social perks, but those perks often hold a level of expected transaction. There are social ladders that can be climbed and there are many times in history where beauty has garnered some form of wealth, status or financial perks, but it usually involves selling yourself or a degrading transactional relationships. Beauty has value, but how much?

Often, It becomes a quid-pro-quo situation and those free tickets or vacations mean access to your body. It can mean money and fame but it shows a darker side of people when you see how people betray each other’s partners, or how often people change themselves at the chance to sleep with you. Both female friendships and male friendships become increasingly difficult. However, feeling wanted and desired can be a drug and feel good enough to ignore the negatives. Many deciding that to be violated or sexualized is still better than being unwanted or rejected. I don’t cast a judgement, but I do think its a fair decision when being alone is most of peoples worst fear.

I saw a Nutrafol commercial where a man said that he took the pills for his hair, “not because of vanity, but because it made him feel better about himself”. Immediately I noticed the irony of that statement. Why does he feel better about himself? Because hair is associated with attractiveness? Because hair is associated with youth and vitality? Is there anything inherent about a thick head of hair that means you “feel” better? Maybe but it is almost impossible to answer. 

Our beauty ideals are shaped by our culture and what we see repetitively, and it is almost impossible to distinguish our true preferences from our societies preferences. We can dress or style ourselves in ways that feel creative and authentic, but our understanding of what we find attractive about ourselves is intrinsically influenced. I don’t think it’s possible to not have your environment affect how you view yourself. However, If we understand this we may choose a way of expressing ourselves that may choose to play into, or push against the programming we all have. We can dress for ourselves, but patriarchy has influenced our idea of sexiness. If we sexualize ourselves or objectify ourselves we have effectively done the job of the patriarchy. However, we must all live our lives and we cannot help how we understand the world around us and what makes us feel good about ourselves. There is a line between feeling good in your skin and self objectification. Nuance exists.

Modern feminism has effectively said beauty matters, but we are all beautiful. In some ways I agree. But I advocate for a secondary option which is appearance neutrality. 
Most women do reach a neutrality choice later in life maybe. It requires life experience and introspection into our beliefs. If you benefit from it, you may not even see it. I think there is a freedom to invisibility.

Like the proverb says “ A crooked tree lives its own life, but a straight tree is turned into wood” and there is true freedom from taking yourself out of the game of approval. I do see though that this is a hard choice because it comes with rejection, but taking back your power of how you view yourself is essential in achieving true confidence. You cannot “win” the game of beauty because there is always another beautiful woman that is different, and novelty turns attention from even the most gorgeous women. No one is immune to infidelity or not being chosen. It provides some safety but we all get hurt. 

Despite my awareness I still fall prey to tying my beauty to value when stepping into new social situations, because so often in my life that’s all that mattered to strangers. We are only human but our life should not be affected so drastically by such shallow standards. Our souls are complex and the idea of “value” is constructed by society. I choose to follow my own path and try to ignore the validation or condemnation from people. But we’re only human.

I do believe that we are born and thus deserve to be alive. 

We do not need to prove or earn anything.

Hopefully through awareness and empathy we can evolve past our most primal and basic human instincts. No human is better than the other, just different. Better is entirely subjective and maybe we can’t transcend assigning “good and bad”. I just hope I helped anyone be more mindful of their beliefs on “worth” and how we treat each other.